


A Marauder's Cliche

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-05-03
Updated: 2008-05-04
Packaged: 2019-01-19 10:50:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12408930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: What happens when our favorite foursome, plus Lily, Snape, and of course some impossibly perfect OCs return to Hogwarts for their 7th year? Why, absolutebucketfuls of drama, angst, tears, jealousy, unrealistic events, and cheesy, cheesy dialogue! R&R!





	1. Always Start At the Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

A/N: My purpose for this story is not to mock authors. It is to mock cliches, and it's all in fun. It's also quite random and insane. So hang on and buckle up, it's gonna be a wild, wild ride!

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It is said that all good stories begin with the classic, "once upon a time." It is said by others that all horrible stories begin with the grossly overused, "once upon a time." It must be made plain right now, dear comrades, that this story is neither good nor dreadful. It contains bits of both, you see. It contains a bond of friendship between four boys that could not be broken--or so everyone thought. It contains exorbitant amounts of true love which also could not be broken--or so everyone thought. It contains a stag, a dog, a wolf, a rat, and others too numerous to mention--or so everyone thought. It contains a force of pure evil which must be defeated--or so everyone thought. It contains an introduction with an absurd amount of repeating words at the beginning and end of each sentence--or so everyone thought. It ends in tragedy--but it begins ... ah, it begins with "once upon a time. ..."

James Potter was a dashing young Gryffindor with a soul of valor and a head of untidy hair. His hazel eyes sparkled mischievously behind round spectacles, and in his breast beat the heart of a true lion. (This, of course, is not to be taken literally. He still had a human heart, you see--the lion reference was simply used to symbolize his bravery.) For oh, was he brave! Noble, daring, chivalrous, and bold, he was the epitome of a perfect masculine Mary Sue--er, Gryffindor.

Right now, the lion-hearted, hazel-eyed, untidy-haired James Potter was sleeping. He tossed and turned in his bed, for he was having a very realistic, very frightening nightmare.

_"Lily," he was calling frantically, "Lily Potter whose last name used to be Evans until we got married! Where are you?"_

"I'm here, James Potter who I used to hate with a fiery passion until we started going out and I fell in love with you!" a female voice called faintly from another room.

"Take Harry, our son who looks a lot like me except for his eyes, and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off!"

"It's who?" the voice asked.

"Him!"

A red-haired woman with green eyes came out of the bedroom carrying a baby. "Oh, the postman? Good, I wonder if Witch Weekly will come today."

"No, our postman is actually a woman, remember?"

"Oh, right. And post usually doesn't come in the evenings. So who is this `him` you speak of, dear?"

"It's ... it's ..."

The door burst open, and Lily shrieked, clutching the baby tightly. Someone laughed maniacally. "You can run, but you cannot hide!" he bellowed. "You still haven't told me why you won't purchase any of my lovely frozen food items!"

"No, not the door-to-door salesman!" Lily moaned, sinking to her knees.

James knelt next to her. "Go while you've got the chance," he muttered. "I'll try and get rid of him. Don't worry, my flower. You and Harry will be safe."

Then James stood up to confront the salesman, who had a huge, red face and a colossal overbite. Then the man did a horrifying thing. He tugged at the nape of his neck, causing his disguise to fall away, revealing ...

James screamed so loudly that he woke with a start.

"Prongs!" said a voice, and James' best mate Sirius hurtled into the room, wand drawn. "Prongs, I heard decidedly un-manly screams coming from your room. Is something the matter?"

Sirius Black was, by anyone's standards, extremely handsome. His hair, unlike his best friend's, was elegant and perfect, even though he'd just gotten out of bed in a hurry. (Always having elegant and perfect hair is, you see, one of the many perks of being Sirius Black). Although he was riddled with a tragic past, complete with a family who had disowned him, one could never tell by looking into his brave, beautiful eyes. They were a striking gray, and were usually full of mischief, only not at the moment; concern for his friend was written all over his breath-taking, gorgeous, perfect, drool-worthy features.

"Oh, Padfoot," James wailed (in a very masculine way, of course), "I had a nightmare. It was ... it was horrible!"

Sirius sat on the edge of James' bed. "Tell me about it, mate. It'll make you feel better. Discussing your deepest fears with someone who cares will ease your mind."

"You think so?"

"I know so."

"How?"

"Because I'm Sirius Black."

"Oh. All right." James paused, taking a shuddering breath, then began. "I was in a house. A house with ... four walls and ... some windows. And ... there might have been a door too. Yeah, with a doorbell beside it."

Sirius nodded grimly. "Anything else you can remember?"

"There was ... a girl, a beautiful girl--"

"Wait, hang on," Sirius, the notorious ladies' man, cut across him. "There was a beautiful girl in your dream, and yet it was a nightmare? That doesn't compute in my extremely intellectual mind."

"The girl wasn't the bad part," James explained. "That came later. But this woman--I think she was my wife. I think I called her ... dammit!"

"Not a very flattering name," Sirius observed.

"Not that, idiot," James retorted. "I said `dammit` because, right at a crucial moment, I conveniently forgot everything about my dream."

"Everything? Even the girl?"

"Even the girl," James sighed. "But oh well, it's not like that dream could have been foreshadowing my death by the hand of an insane Dark wizard after the betrayal of one of my best friends or anything. Let's go downstairs and eat."

* * *

In a house several hundred miles away, Lily Evans stretched and yawned, the sunlight making her dark red hair glow with stunning radiance. "Oh, my," she said to herself (since, unlike James, none of her friends happened to be living with her and her parents). "I hope I haven't overslept. That would be catastrophic. If my alarm clock malfunctioned again, I may have to ignite my rather fierce temper and throw it across the room. That would be most unladylike of me, and would probably jeopardize my membership in the Association of Defenseless Female Characters. So no, I'd better not risk it."

With that crucial decision out of the way, she rose daintily and walked with perfect grace to her mirror. A delicate-featured face looked back at her, complete with startlingly green eyes. Although she was rather petite, Lily, like James Potter, was a Gryffindor. This meant, of course, that she was courageous, but she was also very clever, kind, and understanding. She rather prided herself in being everything that arrogant toerag Potter wanted, but couldn't have.

Suddenly, Lily's face paled and she clutched her dressing table for support. For some reason, the thought of James had reminded her of a dream she'd just been having. And not any ordinary dream, but a horrible, terrifying nightmare. Only for some inexplicable reason, the nightmare seemed to have less to do with the fact that James was in it, and much more to do with the presence of a door-to-door salesman. In fact, she vaguely remembered clinging to James in fear, almost as if ...

All at once, there came a perfectly-timed pounding on the door downstairs, successfully jarring Lily from her thoughts. "Oh, dear!" she cried, frantically putting on a dressing-gown. "I wasn't expecting any visitors at this hour. Perhaps Mum or Dad will get that."

Sure enough, she soon heard her mother's voice downstairs. "Oh, yes, darling, Lily should be awake by now."

Then there were rapid footsteps on the stairs, and before Lily could brush her (already perfectly presentable) hair, her door flew open, and in ran one of her best friends from Hogwarts, Sabrina White.

Sabrina was, by anyone's standards, extremely lovely. She had long, honey-colored hair that flowed down her back in glorious waves, and deep, chocolate-brown eyes surrounded by long, graceful lashes. Sabrina was also a Gryffindor, and she was widely known for being feisty and flirtatious in the most adorable way. It was also widely known that she hated Sirius Black almost as much as Lily hated James Potter.

Now, however, Sabrina ran to Lily and hugged her. "Oh, it's been so long!" she squealed happily, her voice like sweet bells on a summer night.

"Oh, Sabrina, it's so good to see you!" Lily said, beaming with tears in her eyes. "I wasn't expecting you! Did you come to surprise me?"

"Of course! And I was hoping we could go shopping in Diagon Alley for our school supplies today, because I have a sneaking feeling we'll run into all the other main characters there."

"That sounds lovely," Lily agreed. "Then the rest of them could all be introduced at once, and this story's plot can get properly underway."

"This story has a plot?" Sabrina gasped.

"Why, of course!" Lily laughed. "Now let's go downstairs and eat."

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A/N: Me again! This is my first fic, so I'd love to know your thoughts. Click that pretty little button and tell me!


	2. Confrontations

A/N: This chapter goes out to my friend G for her support, encouragement, and threats, all of which helped me keep writing! You know I love you, G.

Also, I don't know if I'm entirely satisfied with this chapter, so it may get edited slightly. Thanks!

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"Now you two behave yourselves in Diagon Alley today," Mrs. Potter fussed as she hugged James and Sirius. "You know that there are dangerous Dark wizards lurking about. I would hate for you to be harmed."

"Mum, stop worrying," James said gently. "Sirius and I won't get attacked by Death Eaters until they randomly turn up in Hogsmeade later."

"Oh yes, I'd forgotten. Well, take care, then."

As soon as James and Sirius Apparated to the Leaky Cauldron, they happened to come across their other two friends, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew.

"Hello, Padfoot, Prongs," said Remus in his usual gentle, haunting voice. Remus, like the friends he had just greeted, was very handsome, but in a quieter, sadder way. He was thinner and paler than the others, and his soft brown hair fell into mysterious amber eyes. Being a Gryffindor as well, he was extremely brave, but for a different reason. You see, Remus was a werewolf, forced to spend every full moon as a wild animal with no human mercy and a thirst for blood. Even though his three best friends had mastered the difficult Animagus transformation in order to keep him company as animals, he still felt very depressed and isolated from normal people. This was especially true now because there was a certain black-haired girl he loved dearly, and he knew she would never love him in return if she discovered his terrible secret. But more about that later.

"Hello, Moony!" Sirius said jovially. "Hey, Wormtail."

Wormtail, or Peter Pettigrew, was the last of the Marauders. He was not handsome. He was short and plump, with mousy hair and watery blue eyes. He was in Gryffindor, but he was not brave. He knew this, and therefore harbored a secret, burning resentment for his three best friends. It was they who were good-looking and popular, they who were intelligent, they who possessed stupendous courage, and they who would end up dating perfect, beautiful women ... However, he put these bitter reflections out of his mind for the moment, because if he didn't, he would endanger the spontaneity of this story's entire plot. So he simply smiled up at his friends and said, "Hello," displaying his complete lack of creative conversational skills.

"Well, shall we get going?" James asked. "There is shopping to be done and a few more main characters to introduce."

"Right-o," Sirius agreed, and the four of them entered the hustle and bustle of Diagon Alley.

* * *

Lily and Sabrina were sitting outside Florean Fortesque's ice cream parlor, chatting and laughing, when they saw a tall, familiar girl heading toward them. "Raven!" they both shrieked, leaping to their feet and embracing their other best friend.

Raven Simmons was beautiful, of course, because as we all know, beauty is a requirement for being a friend of Lily's. She was tall, thin, and graceful, with silky, shoulder-length hair as black as night, and eyes the color of sparkling sapphires. She had a serene disposition and a kind, compassionate nature, and was in fact secretary of the Association of Defenseless Female Characters, or ADFC. She also cherished a secret, desperate love for a certain amber-eyed boy, but she knew he deserved someone more lovely, more outgoing, more perfect than she.

However, none of this showed on her face as she smiled at her friends. "I somehow knew I would find you here," she said in her soft, profound voice.

"Oh my God, Ray, are you a Seer?" cried Sabrina.

"No," she replied calmly, "I just figured something like this would happen next in this story. I don't know how, though, because this plot is not predictable at all."

"Awesome," said Lily. "Well, let's go to Flourish and Blott's to get our new books."

"You're lucky that shop admits Mudblood filth like you," said a cold, sneering, female voice from behind them.

All three girls whipped around. There in front of their table stood a group of sinister-looking people: Bellatrix Black, Sirius's lovely but despicable cousin; Lucius Malfoy, a tall, blond boy with a pale, pointed face; and Severus Snape, gangly and greasy-haired. They were all from Slytherin House, the sworn enemy of the brave Gryffindors and reputed supporters of the Dark Arts. All of them looked menacingly at the girls, daring them to fight back.

"Don't call Lily a Mudblood!" shrieked Sabrina, raising her wand. "She is worth more than twelve of each of you!"

"I didn't know you could do arithmetic, White," smirked Bellatrix. "No wonder my worthless cousin fancies you."

Sabrina knew she should feel disgusted at the thought of that arrogant, smooth-talking, sinfully handsome man fancying her, but she somehow couldn't manage it. In fact, was it possible that she ... liked him too?

Suddenly, Malfoy's sharp voice brought her out of her reverie. "Bella, how could you? White isn't supposed to figure out her feelings for your worthless cousin until later in the story!"

"Enough of this!" Lily interrupted before Bellatrix could defend herself. "If all you came here to do was to insult my parentage and give away major plot points, I'm afraid you'll have to go. I don't even know why you're shopping for school supplies anyway. Well, I can see why you're here, Snape, but what are you two doing here? Didn't you graduate long before us?"

"Don't confuse yourself with those complicated thoughts, Mudblood," snarled Lucius. "We are here simply because we add a touch more excitement to the story. Now get up so we can have your table."

"We were here first!" Sabrina challenged, her eyes blazing.

Snape, who had been lurking in the background, stepped forward, his sallow face reddening when he met Lily's green eyes. "She's got a point," he said quietly, speaking to Lucius but still gazing, transfixed, at Lily. "Maybe we could join them, however out of character it is for us to do so."

"Have you gone mad, Snape?" roared Bellatrix. "You want to be in the company of such filth?"

Snape's expression changed quickly, and he sneered openly at the girls. "You're right, Bella. I believe I shall hex the Mudblood first."

"Oh, no you won't!" yelled a heroic voice, and James Potter strode into view, followed by his three faithful friends. "You touch Lily Evans, and you'll have to answer to me!"

"I believe Potter is challenging us," said Lucius in his silkiest voice. "Come, my fellow Slytherins, let us show these amateurs how future Death Eaters fight!"

There followed a furious duel of wands and wits. Insults and curses flew with alarming rapidity between the Marauders, the Slytherins, and Sabrina. Lily half-rose from her chair to join the raging battle, but Raven pulled her back down, her face pale and worried. "No, Lily! Remember your place in the ADFC!"

"Oh, right," she sighed, slumping back in her seat. Sometimes she found that club to be extremely irksome. Sabrina had quit ages ago.

"You win this time, Gryffindor filth," Lucius called, and Lily looked around to see that the three Slytherins were departing, bearing several distinctive hex marks. "But this isn't over!" Lily thought she saw Snape flash her a final, longing glance, but was sure she must have imagined it.

Before she could contemplate further, she felt a hand on her shoulder. Looking up, she found herself gazing into the concerned hazel eyes of James Potter. "Are you all right?" he asked quietly.

"I ... yes," she stammered, forgetting for the moment that Potter was an arrogant toerag. He is quite handsome, she thought to herself. I may possibly be attracted to him.

James leaned closer, his gaze still locked with Lily's. She parted her lips involuntarily, imagining what a kiss from him would be like. ...

"HEY, hey, wait a minute!" Sirius shouted in the background, and James and Lily parted with reluctant sighs.

"What?" James snapped in annoyance.

"You can't snog yet!" Sirius said indignantly. "If you start going out now, there'll be no plot! You can't do that!"

"You're right, Black," Lily said, coming to her senses. "Potter, how dare you try to kiss me? How dare you defend my honor? How dare you hex Slytherins on my behalf? How--?"

"Lily!" Raven said despairingly. "If you lose your temper--"

"I don't care about the damn Association right now!" Lily shrieked. "Potter is a ... a ... conceited, self-absorbed jerk! He deserves to be yelled at! Oh, let's just leave!"

"Until next time then, Evans," said James, successfully covering how deeply crushed he was by her rejection as the two groups of friends parted ways, not to meet again until their return to Hogwarts.


End file.
